TMI Confession

I need to be properly fucked… It’s driving me crazy. I’ve never felt less fuckable.

davidwduffy replied to your post: Celestial Nobody

But the falling debris always looks more spectacular, if only for a moment. :)

Until you think, “OH CRAP, I’m about to die a horrible, flaming death!” ;)

We were… We are… We will.. blah, blah, blah.

You were an unintended reason to strive for something I never thought I could attain… I really can’t tell you exactly what that thing was. Maybe it was lasting happiness, sexual satisfaction, or a feeling like I belonged somewhere; to someone. When I met you, I was living with one foot in the grave. I was so numb inside that I forgot what it felt to be anything at all. I saw you standing there, peeking at me from the other side of the void. Well, you were kind of creeping… then you were flat out staring me down. You made me realize that I had nothing to lose, because I had nothing that made me feel the way I did just knowing that you existed. My want for you gave me a reason to exist. And you wanted me back. 

We were a nursery of collapsing stars, sending out waves of cosmic stuff to the far corners of the universe. We were the alpha and omega. We were the beginning and end of everything…

You are my favorite person in this dimension of reality. The connection I feel to you makes me suspect that I fancy you in at least 95% of all parallel universes. You are the love of my life.

We are inter-dimensional interlopers, leaping from instance to instance, jumping paradigms, and recording all of the pertinent details in the language of sighs and heartbeats. We are galactic refugees. We are stranger strangers in an ordinary world…

You will always be able to find me no matter how far we stray. I’m here for you… I belong to you forever and always; in one form or another. Maybe not always the way you want or need me, but there’s a part of me that will always feel like it’s actually a part of you.

We will…

[Signal Lost]

UFO Rental

And when my heart misses someone — even if my brain tells me how stupid it is — I feel like an abandoned starship idling outside of a cosmic liquor store.

Celestial Nobody

There are a million beautiful girls on the internet. They twinkle on your screen like the planet Venus, when it’s shinning at its brightest against the night sky. There’s so many pretty girls in this digital world to tease and delight you… but I’m not one of them. I’m no celestial body… I’m a burning chunk of satellite racing towards earth to put you in the ground. Run.

Deep Space

You’re a pinhole in the windshield of my ufo. An invisible presence that I can’t see or feel, but I know eventually will lead to my downfall. Please don’t let me die alone, suffocating on all of this time and space. I don’t want to hover and then suddenly crash and burn… I just want to free fall forever, into the deep abyss of you. 

Sometimes you have to just tell yourself that everything is going to be okay… especially when you think that it won’t.

Count Down

I favor lovers whose pulses quicken and rise violently at the thought of me. Hearts like rocket ships, propelling us towards the glass ceiling that segregates the profane from the divine. Cutting through the atmosphere before we run out of fuel and fall back towards the ground at terminal velocity… but when the explosion subsides — even before the last tongues of flame are suffocated by the vacuum of mundane life — their heartbeats slow and the counter starts ticking down…

My lover’s heartbeat sounds like an egg timer. He leaves me soaking in a boiling pot, until all of my feelings become hard boiled. A solid mass of yolk to be worn later as the egg on my face. 

I don’t know what it means to love on my own terms or on my own schedule, because I’ve never had an agenda, only the misconception that if you love somebody enough you are immune to the trappings of space and time. Only the promise that if you don’t hold my hand tight enough, I’ll just float away. Only the expectation that desire and love can sustain an infinite, chain reaction… a perfect circuit glowing against the darkness of the void… that it just takes one spark to illuminate that face of someone you’ve been waiting for, for what feels like eternity. 

And when is someone going to love me more than their own projections? When will they stop shadow boxing their own demons, mistaking them for me? When is someone going to finally spot me hiding in plain sight? 

When will I fall in love with someone who isn’t counting down to extinction… before I even slip out of the bed and creep out the front door?

The Mythology of You and Me.

In the beginning, you were the darkness. Still and empty, lonely and eternal, you felt nothing. In your infinite boredom, you split in half. In a burst of light, we both became less but more; you were the part that was no longer me, and I was the part that had become not you… I was the part that you willed into being because you wanted to feel… something.

At first, your pulse quickened as I burned lines of fire into the sky; a crackle of desire; a flash of joy; a throb of pain. You strained against the silence, in the lulls between the rumbles of my existence, when you couldn’t see me against your own darkness. But I was always there, like electrostatic energy building up for another blinding discharge. My love was a wicked jolt of primal violence that you wielded as an apocalyptic weapon. It was a primordial fireworks show; an invisible dance between elemental forces; a natural phenomenon dressed up like a spectral horseman, riding a pale stallion into the arms of oblivion.

Now, I am a tall tale that you whisper at the midnight hour. I am a figment of your imagination that went viral. I no longer belong to you. When you think of me, you understand that I am the proof that there really is a you, because even though I am gone, the feelings still remain. And we both know that being separated from one another is a gift.

Yet, sometimes when you reach your hand out to trace the absent shape of things to come, you wonder if you just created me to hurt yourself. You fixate on my disappearance, feeling all alone in space and time…

But we will always be together, in one form or another, because there would be no me without you

Being superbly aware of a single instance of existence — being in the now — is an incredible gift to yourself.

"Once, I wanted To Be The Greatest…"

Once upon a time, I wanted to be pressed against you in the dark… until our bodies molded together like sacred geometry. Until we were still and perfect, our love a golden ratio proving that everything was right in the world. I wanted to move against you like a cosmic force — every flex and flutter like the shudder of an ever expanding universe riding on the back of a butterfly, whispering secrets that have been echoing under the white noise of every day life since the birth of the galaxy. Once, I wanted to be the greatest; the greatest love, the greatest partner, the greatest lover, the greatest thing that had ever happened, and the greatest gift of knowing that it happened just for you…

I know that I wasn’t the greatest. I fell short. I was imperfect and less than all my good intentions… but I hope you remember that despite my failures, I tried. I still happened… 

And it was all for you. Only for you. 

If someone treated your best friend the way you treat yourself, you’d probably be the first person to hug your friend and say they deserve so much better…

Please be kinder to yourself. You deserve so much better. 

Robin William’s death reminds me to always make my funny friends laugh when I can, because funny people tend to need cheering up more than the people they seem to cheer up.