I know we’re all about the spectacle, but I’d like to put down this metaphorical missile launcher for a second. I want you to cool it with the literary flame thrower. Not that I don’t enjoy the welts, but it’s hard to talk to you like a normal human being when you’re acting like a poetic psycho. I’ll stop cackling like a social media maniac.
Can I just tell you that I love you and not have you hold it against me? Sometimes I notice you pressing my own words against me, like a bulge in your pants that I can feel rubbing against my thigh. And sometimes I like to pretend that they weren’t my words at all; they were just the breath I stole from you, when we kissed, escaping from my mouth… I’m trying my best not to lick my lips, desperate to get a little taste of what we used to be.
I’m in love with someone else now, but there’s a little pain in my chest that reminds me of when I belonged to you. There’s a part of me that’s still tethered to you, like a hot air balloon parked outside of an existential liquor store. I feel like I’m still waiting for you to run out wearing a ski mask, using me as a get away vehicle…
And I know I have to stop hurting myself like this. I know I have to stop wondering what you’re up to and how you’re doing. I know I need to shed my feelings for you, like a winter coat, if I ever want to fully enjoy the summer of my new life; new love; new me… but you loom over me like a shadow that blocks out the light, and you know I’ve never been fond of the sun, even if I am always looking for heat.
It’s taking all of my willpower to fool myself into thinking I have enough willpower to just let you go… but I’m sweating like a fiend and itching like a junkie.
Sometimes I wish you would tell me to fuck off… but I’m also afraid of you just leaving me alone. I’m afraid of how much I’m afraid of you vanishing into thin air.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how I feel or what I want. I just know that I hate missing you; missing you feels an awful lot like missing myself.
And I want to ask him, "please, help me." But the truth is I’d resent him for wanting to help me to separate myself from you.
Please, help me…
I need to be so much stronger than this.